My Lazy post for the new year!

Look here :)

Ended.

Ok I had "the talk" with the nice guy.
Realized I had to end it.
If we slowed things down, he still would be jumping 4 pages ahead, despite the fact he knew where I stood.
I realized I cannot give him any hope - even if I thought there would be hope. He has so much already.
We said to check up on each other at the end of next month.
It was sad cause he knew that this may be the last time that we talk.
So he kept talking and I am exhuasted.
Good bye and well wishing is never a good thing to go through but it needed to be done.


And maybe, the "bad" guy/the other guy will somehow disappear too by this Friday. I dont feel he has it in him to stick around just because we are attracted to each other. The distance between us may be too much of an effort (2 hours haha).

Ha! I single- handedly possibly made my self single again? Maybe?
Maybe I just Luuuuuuuv this blog too much to find someone haha, ya thats it.
I was txting my sister in law today. I said - yep Im gonna tell him, and I know Im a bitch and I have no right to complain of being single....

yep Im messed up

Okay, its funny how Im in dire need of tonnes of advice but it just is trickling in. I feel like its a "oh um good luck with that" kinda thing and ppl just run away with their fingers in their ears. Or maybe ppl just are too nice to say it - that I'm an idiot or something, a bitch, a hypocrite? I duno - I can take it (I think). Or I guess no one wants to be responsible for my decisions haha.

Or maybe I know what the answer is and I just dont feel for it. Maybe I'm someone that, despite my life of always being so careful and doing the right thing - I gotta get some things/ and mistakes out of my system so I appreciate the right decision more and I will not ever be wondering of how it is do be alittle bad. At the risk of what? I duno. Maybe I do know but I just want to find out for sure.

I got this "monkey on my back" so to speak and its buggin me. Actually I have many. Im trying to sort it out. I could possibly be making the hugest (that even a word?) mistake. But with the battle of head and emotions - Ima just go with how I feel. Damn scorpio that I am! Yep - with the risk of losing a real good thing. And not gaining anything. And maybe losing more? But what is buggin me the most is the nice guy is most likely definately on page 5 and I'm just reading the prologue. That has to stop. Its not fair to him.

Ok Im going to go back to work and not think about it.
Maybe it will go away on its own and I am over thinking for nothing.
Maybe I will change my mind in an hour or two.....

Well they are only YOUR kids!

I had 2 patients in the last 2 weeks who are in their teens come in for a kinda gross procedure that involved local infection and some skin that needed to be cut off. Kinda similar to having a boil on your finger or your fingernail getting ripped off or something like that.
Both times (separate families) the kid's parents could not bear to watch.
They left the room.

So Im thinking, Okay, way to give them moral support !
Serious - if you cant deal with your kids getting sick or bruises and scrapes and infections - should you really be priviledged to have kids at all?

Suck it up ppl sheesh!




No. Im not bitter. Sorry, my eggs wrote this, not me.

Recurring theme....

I was on a home visit to a senior lady this morning.
She has alot going on in her life and she is sad all the time.
Her husband who has been sick in the hospital for many months passed away recently and she keeps telling me of the ongoing problems of her son, who is going through a divorce right now.
She asks me how my family is (my parents) and if I have a bf. I dont mind when she asks me this.
"naw naw I dont" I say
"Well it better that way, yes it better, dont get one, you are better off"
I kinda chuckle, "Oh really? Thats good to hear that I'm better off then"
"Im serious, it nothin but problems, it no good"
"oh no, Im sorry to hear that. I havent found a good guy yet" I say.
"If you find, you better not look for looks, that bad..." She motions her hand over her face ".... It better to look for this", she says as she points to her head.
I look at her for a second "brains?" (I'm not too sure what she means)
"Someone with a good head, looks they come and go, same with money, but if he have a good head and he good to you, that is the way to go"

Somehow this theme keeps repeating itself to me.

I was talking with a gf the other day and we discussed my choices/dilema. It was a good talk, I know what I need to do but dont know how to go about saying it (see post below).
Then the subject of my mom came up, about her having 2 proposals to choose from, and how practical she was in making her decision. Yada Yada - I think at this point I know I cannot compare, cause in many ways my mother and I are very different people. I think I have a battle between my highly emotional side and practical logical side. My mother is more practical. In so much I had to one day ask her "so when was it then that you became attracted to dad?" Her answer was simply "He was a good man, what more do you want?" Though, in discussing her situation, one thing my mother said about her decision stuck in my head even though she kinda said it in passing:

"I chose the man who would not hurt me"

if and how

If you know a person is "good" for you because he is "good to you" and you have so much in common and if you know it always takes a while for you to warm up to certain guys - do you hang on to them when you arent as attracted to them ? Yes - this is after 5 dates already......

And if the answer is yes.....
How do you tell them this, in such a way you dont want them to jump 2 pages ahead of you and suffocate you, being too serious and also maybe get the wrong impression of your intentions? What do you say?

What a mess!

Okay
I. am. confused.

Who would have thought that having choices was a bad thing?
Yes I know all of you that commented before told me so ... haha
I can hear it now in unison "WE told you so!"
Ok Ok now I get it. Thank you :)

Let me explain my self:
I thought that having choices was a good thing - you know - so you can compare - and get the best of the two.
But now I realize that guys are not like shopping for jeans. Narrowing it down to which checks off more points on your "list" of what you want in a pair of jeans is not the same as narrowing it down to whom ever checks off more points on the "perfect man" list. Why? - some points are more practical, and other points are more attractive - but different emotions run deep into these points as well.

Me = inexperienced dater. Yes I admit it. (Gasp!- I know you are not that shocked haha - So smack that big ol' "L" on my forehead and carry on reading!)

Until recently I have just been the one who - when put on dates - say - set ups or blind-ish/internet dates (as opposed to just naturally getting to know someone) I usually assess pretty quickly. Yay or nay. And most have been Nay - since Im extremely picky - No to bad teeth, No to no chemistry, No to someone who doesnt like me enough, No to ultra feminine men, No to guys who tell me before the date has begun "I have to leave early, I have somewhere to go", No to guys on a different wave length, No to pushy/stalkerish men, No to guys who dont get my jokes, No to guys just passing through town for a night or two, No to scruffy older biker men, No to men with son's closer to my age than I am to their age. Thats alot of NO's. And Im tired.

So maybe it is really: Me = inexperienced in giving guys a chance dater.

Now, in my senior years (or something close to it, it seems haha) I keep thinking "well I should try to give more ppl more of a chance".
Or maybe that was my eggies screaming at me again? Whatever.
Recently I come to realize that it can take me a long time to find my self attracted to really nice guys when I wasnt initally attracted to them. Mind you I was not grossed out by them either. Maybe they would be called average? Maybe I wouldnt even do a "double take" if they passed me on the street.(which is not a bad thing btw). This works well when you are around someone who you are not out to date - someone you know naturally. And I also know it is worth it when you do end up with them etc. But this concept is hard to apply to those you are initially going on a date with.

Here is where I try to explain my situation ---- cryptic mode.

Gone on some dates.
With a couple of guys.
More than once.
One guy is soooooo goood to me, I can tell he really likes me, it shows in his actions, he is established, similar background and similar family view, gentlemanly, treats me like the lady I am (psssh - stop laughing at that).
But with this guy - attraction would rate at - hummm 30%? When Im out with him its great he gets cuter - somewhat. When Im not out with him and we talk on the phone - Im bored, and slightly feel smothered and annoyed.

Other guy is well..... "meh" to me. I feel he is neither here nor there. If I turn him down he will be cool with it. If I tell him I like him he will be cool with that too. He's ok to me. Passive somewhat. BUT get this - He tells me he is attracted to me and thinks I'm really sweet and would like to date me more. Only thing he keeps talking about that we have in common is our work backgrounds. Unsure if he has the same family views as I do - he probably swings more liberal than myself. But when we go out he is fun and the date is really great and I'd like to do it again..... and dang he just keeps getting more good looking! Kinda makes me feel mushy. So attraction would be at - uh 90%.
Thing is, when we dont go out - there is practically nada convo/ chating/ emailing/ texting/ phoning. He asked if we could go out again. I said Im not feeling that he's that into me really. He re-iterated how he enjoyed going out with me, thinks I am very sweet and he is attracted to me and would like to go out again. Who knows - maybe being honest about what I thought was misinterpreted as sorta "fishing for compliments" sort of thing.

Ok - I realize that wasnt cryptic at all. It was pretty straight forward.
But none the less, Im left confused.
It looks like there may be an obvious answer there doesnt it? Maybe, maybe not. But its not an easy answer when I go out with them.
I am pulled by emotions and my head and all that messy stuff.
I dunno - maybe time will tell. But meanwhile I feel guilty of sorta seeing two guys at once. Though technically - they are just friends right now anynow right?

Do I need a note to explain my absence?

Maybe.
I dont feel up going into a long schpeal about it though.
Writers block -yes. Tired of re-hashing the same complaints on this topic - yes. A slight paranoia of judgement about my poor grammar - yes.

But as of late I am feeling the need for an outlet again. Lately I have been spewing my thoughts on my email's notepad.

I may just be lazy enough to do a few cut and pastes:


August 28/06 8am

how can one meet others when you feel your heart is someone else?
Thats my question.
For example, if someone loses a loved one who they truely believe was their soul mate, how can they be open to finding someone else?
And will that someone else just be a "filler"?
Thats pretty sad I think because it is not fair to the one who is the "filler".
They are likely getting half-assed love from the one they are with.

Well, I think I may be on the cusp of just random dating - with no feeling at all. I definately feel that my heart is not up for it but I think it is something I need to do. Yes... These fellows dont stand much of a chance I would say. Maybe that is how I will come off to them then? Being Half-assed interested in the date? Not good. Sometimes I can have a fun time on dates and yet know deep down it wont work.

About a boy and an email....

Gah I dont know why this always bothers me.
It happens all the time so I should expect it.
And NO, Im not that into this guy.
There is a certain boy.... man.... lets call him Beefy man or Beefy boy.
Cause he is beefy. Not fat. Muscular.
But anyways - where was I?
Oh yes, and then there is email.

Do you ever have one of those fairweather friends who only keeps in touch every once in a blue moon?
And by "keeping in touch" I mean - you are the one that somehow contacts them first - always. Then they say their little thing of catching up and then they disappear again for a while?

Well I have this friend. "Friend" or F- Friend (not that F friend you gutter minded fellows!) - Fairweather friend.
I send forwards of emails to a bunch of ppl - then he says hello whats up, then I answer and then it takes another how many years for the next email back.

This happens everytime and it bothers me. Why? Cause I still get alittle surprised when he emails back. (It was only a foward I sent - sheesh) And then I answer back along with some of my own questions. I get alittle excited to catch up again. And then I - like the loser I am, check my email every now and then - to see if he responded.

Its like watching paint dry.

Frig!

Whatever - beefy boy!

To Choose or not to Choose?

I wonder if having choices makes things more confusing???!
I was asking my gf this "hypothetical question" - you know - like shopping for a pair of jeans or something...
Finally she said "Um men are not like a pair of jeans you know"