Time for a change
"Where are all the good single men? No, not the moma's boy with a jellyfish back bone, not the "I'm really in the closet and afraid to come out" guy, not the commitment Phobic who really wants to leave his options open, and not the "I need a woman to support me" kind of guy either. Simple question but there is no answer......"
So this is what has been the intro to this singles blog since the beginning of time.... Can you believe I only had only a handful of guys attempt to answer this question via email? Some who wanted to be my friend, some who wanted to learn the English language from me (haha - stop laughing - grammar is so not my fortay) but a couple of answers that stuck - things we kinda already know but it is just confirmed when actually written to me....
1)Hi there, came across your blog, read your description, and just wanted to quickly give you a simple answer. They're shy. Many (not all) of the good single men are just very shy. Not spineless, just shy, so you never really get to met them. Doesn't help you much I realize, but just thought I'd let you know. - Tim
2)I think it's geographically messed up so moving to a better area will give you better results. -Benjamin
Well lets start with #2. Sometimes it is true. He lives in Silicone Valley and there are apparently more men than women there. So his selection of women are filled with the "snotty type" since these gals have their pickins. He found his gal in another city. I agree with this in the sense that it has to do with the ratio imbalance I alluded to along time ago. ie: More men than women = women have their pick, so most likely they dont always treat the men so nice. More women than men = the men have their pick so the crop of men available arent always behaving at their best - they dont need to. (These are big/ though valid generalizations - so dont harp on me - not all people are like this)
A glance over stats Canada said that there are more men than women in ------- city and -----city. So I think if times become desperate Ima fly my ass up there :) Oh and by the way, you didnt think I would actually name off those cities did you?! In a ratio imbalanced world - Its every single gal for her self! haha.
Okies on to #1 - cause this is my biggest beef. Fine Tim, they are shy. I get it. And I have seen it. And NO - this absolutely doesnt help me. Me - being shy myself. Yay. So we sit in our silences waiting till we grow grey hairs before someone makes the first move, and by then it would probably mean someone finally saying "Hey, can you pass the Polident" .
Gah! To those shy but NICE guys - I may even have seen a glimpse of you - a'la loch ness monster- in the corner of the bar for a split second - I say to them - GET UP OFF YOUR ASSES AND COME OVER ! Be the MAN dude. Be the Man! That is why some shy nice guys end up with women that whop their asses. Dont cry to me when your Norbit's Gal comes beating you up for looking my way. Ya should have done something when you had the chance buddy, you should have. How does it help us nice people to procreate nice kids and spread all our niceness when you sit at home or in the corner of the bar and joke with your guy friends and do not leave your comfortable shell? Some nice guys complain about how gals are mean and turn guys down all the time and thus they dont want to expose themselves to such harsh behavior. Well, have you thought that the reason our defences are always up is because we are sick and tired fending off the obnoxious greaseballs you have left us with?! Of course 'nice guys will finish last' if ya just sit there and not speak up for yourself!
Here is my agreement. I will give you the eye contact when I see you - dont you turn your head away from me - this is a feat in itself for me. Then I will also give you a smile. And when I smile at you - dont sit there confused and content with just that. I will spell it out for you : that is sign-launguage for the go-ahead. Now with all that - which is an effort in itself for a shy gal like me, I would want you to make the first move. Say hello, start up a normal conversation, no lines, just be you meeting me. Yes you! You First. Not me first. You! Call me old fashioned. But for some strange reason, I believe that if I were to make the first move, then I would have to do the first everything. And by first everything - I mean : I would have to decide if we should go on a date, then I would have to ask for your number, then I would have to decide when, and then I alone would have to decide where to go, then I would have to pick you up, then I would have to drive you home, then I would have to initiate the first kiss, then I would have to change your friggin diapers - sheesh ..... and so on and so on. Then that would mean that I would be wearing the pants in this relationship and this would mean I would have bigger balls than you. I would be more manly than you. And frankly, I dont want a girly man. Not only does it make us the man, it also can make us the "aggressor, the stalkerish psycho gal, or the desperate easy gal". What ever happened to the Gentlemen? To Chivalry?
So to rehash - I will give you the signal, you speak up first, then I will reciprocate back - and I will be friendly, though shy, and maybe reserved at first (because I will be figuring out if you are the greaseball or the shy nice guy). But your kind, honest personality will shine though, and same with your hidden cuteness - and it will be a wonderful balanced relationship - where we share in our equal awesome wonderfulness and where you wear your pants and be the man and I wear my sexy jeans and feel like a gal. We wear them only until neccessary of course. ahem.
So seriously, to the Nice 'manly' single guys that I am looking for: take off that girly dress, stop staying at home watching 24, or the game or hibernating at a sports bar or playing hockey and going straight home, or waiting around to hang out with your married friends or getting lost in the green at a deserted golf course get up off your ass and LOOK FOR ME! For crying out loud I am trying to get out there and look for you - dont make me do all the work. Re-claim your manhood.
I think I will need to change my intro. Since it is quite out dated for how I feel..... gotta think of something soon......
posted by ~Moi~ @ 4:10 PM
11 Comments:
Maybe us "nice" guys aren't hanging out at bars, looking for ladies to pick up? ;)
And do you really think we'd come over and say just hi... like the "greaseballs" do? Me thinks not.
Just my 2 cents... as a nice guy, with a back bone. Great blog, and post, though.
Well Anon, that is my point ! :p (yes yes I know bars are NOT the place to meet nice guys - I alluded to it here and here and in a few comments somewhere). But I didnt mean just in a bar - how about a cafe? the book store? my squash league? my self defence class? the gym I go to? when I am in a nice restaurant with my friends? when I go skating? when I go to harbourfront? Same senario - dont sit back. Where do you hang out?!And why must you guys hide? And why must you be so shy? How can I meet you? Well not YOU per se but "nice" guys like you?! Is there a secret club ya'll hang out at?
I have a friend just like you who holds back - when he sees a gal he likes cause he figures she must be tired of getting hit on by bad guys- and he doesnt want to add to it - but he is not a bad guy! And I bet the gal is sitting there saying in her head "I wish that nice kind looking guy over there would come over and save me from these slease balls"
I dunno anymore...
*throws hands up in the air*
Ok I give up!
This is another anonymous than the one above, fyi. Being shy means just that - being shy - so saying "just go over there and talk to her" isn't as easy as just saying the words. And I say this as a shy guy who has kicked himself for being too shy to approach girls who were giving the "sign language for go-ahead". It's also a feat for us to smile and make eye contact, so it's a major feat for us to make conversation with a complete stranger. I comprehend the sign language just fine, but my mind starts racing for a million reasons why it just won't work (it's really quite debilitating). Believe me, I know why the nice guys finish last (a lot of the time)!! That said, you said I could call you old fashioned, so allow me to do that. :) What's really stopping you from initiating the conversation? It's safe to say "be the man" and hide behind much outdated societal expectations that dictate that A must ask out B, but really - it's 2007, you can ask! Really!
BUT, maybe it really IS as easy as just going over there and saying the words - and I keep hoping that the next time the international sign language for "go-ahead" is given I'll work up the courage to just "be the man" and initiate the conversation. I'll definitely be keeping this blog entry in my head to tip the scales towards the "just do it" side.
Also, I'm at the gym (yoga and pilates classes even), I'm at the book store and the cafe, the library, restaurants, the grocery store, etc. I'm not hiding. I'm just shy.
Hahahaha..did you mean to say "Silicone Valley" or was that just a Freudian slip?
Hey, I'm the first anon...
I've had a few attempts at writing a decent reply, but I don't really know how to word it.
I guess in short... I've become a skeptic, I don't think there are many "nice girls" out there - and I'm not coming over to say hi, until I'm convinced you are one.
It sounds cliche, but cute little animals (aka: kittens and puppies) may be a hint that you have a hurt, and if kids like you... well then you just might not be such a bad person after all. Note: even nice guys are not particularly fond of "crazy old cat ladies".
I guess, just treat people (not just your friends) properly, because I'd presume you'll treat me the same way you treat them.
Personally I don't think I have a problem with going over to say hi, but I've got to actually like you first. Someone once said "beggars can't be choosers", well contrary to what the world seems to think, we're not all blindly attracted to women like sharks to meat. IF, and only IF, I think you and I would be good together, would I come over, otherwise keep smiling there'll be a greaseball coming along soon enough.
Okay so I don't hate women, really I don't - I'm just very picky (and why shouldn't I be). You smile, I smile back, we've established basic contact, now you do something to show me you really are a nice person and worth getting to know, and you've got me - simple.
You ask what happened to Chivalry. The answer is that it started being referred to as sexism. Being Southern, I never really understood that until I had a woman berate me for holding a door for her. Chivalry is based on the concept that women are the weaker sex, and need the protection of men.
I'm a shy man, one of those who sees a smile and isn't sure if it's an invitation or politeness.
What we really need are signs, physical signs on posterboard if necessary, that proclaim "Hey, I'd like to talk with you!"
A good example... Friday night, I was at a local concert and the girl next to me kept bumping into me while she was swaying to the music. She was sure to apologize each time, and I had written it off as a drunken lack of coordination at first. By the fifth time, I began to notice she had PLENTY of room to sway, and was standing closer to me than anyone else. So I finally turned and said, "I'm a moron at picking up on hints. Are you trying to strike up a conversation, or are you actually unaware of your proximity to me?" (I think she didn't know what proximity meant, which is a bad sign, but we have a date for me to test her vocabulary.)
My point is that we've turned mating into some complicated ritual of hints and innuendo, which has done nothing but confuse both sides. It's time to be direct with each other, and that applies to both sides.
anon(#2): I kind of chuckle that we both sit here arguing that we are shy (your definition is the same as mine - how odd is that ? haha) and that is that and that the other person should be the one to say something first - your argument is that I should be less old fashioned and my argument is that you should step up and be the man. Well I guess we just have to both get over our perceptions of what should happen or nothing ever will. I'll try to see if I can get over my stereotype and shyness and say something first - but if it ends up that I have to do everything else - Im gonna hunt you down! kidding kidding
I guess it's all about self confidence and knowing what you want and willing to get it. Maybe we should be looking into ourselves to find an answer rather than blaming circumstance. Think about long-term relationship!
btw, I'm available :)
Anon #2 here again. I'm glad you see the parallels I was drawing on. :) If you're unhappy in your situation, you needn't be stuck waiting for someone else to initiate anything. I don't necessarily think the other person should say something first - I just know that if you're relying on me to do it, you might be waiting a while.
And ya, I know it's as hard for you to just kick aside the shyness thing as it is for me, but my point is that one of us has to do it. I hope we both succeed at breaking through our stereotypes and shyness barriers.
Good luck!
haha THB! I didnt even notice. Must have been a Freudian slip. Guess spell check wouldnt have picked that up :p
Michael - great to know your name so I wont confuse it with anon #2. True. I guess that is what tends to happen - we become skeptics and pessimists because of past experiences. I will admit - its almost automatic that I dont really say much back and dont treat total strangers like I would my friends. I have blamed it on the T.O attitude before where saying hello to total strangers makes you a freak of nature but I should stop blaming external reasons. But how do you like a person before you even say hello to them? I get what you are saying - you are fed up and you would rather the gal say something to you first for once - ok fair enough. And sorry, what did you mean by cute little animals ? (you mean wearing those things on my shirt or what?) haha and thank goodness I didnt start a cat collection yet :p
Stuck: that was cute! See - you still technically said something first after she hinted at you a few times. Yay! I cant wait to hear how that date goes. However, I am alittle concerned about her lack in understanding the word "proximity". But hey, I'm not the brightest light in the room either haha. I agree - too much hints and innuendos. Honesty is my policy. Even when turning someone down.
Vman: Yes I have to stop that nasty habit of blaming everything else while sitting on my butt. Though some situations are justified, not all are. :)
Anon#2: yea I guess I'll try an give it a go. I'm not going to get into what I did to a poor guy this weekend - yep - can kick my self for sure. Shameful of me - even after writing this post! I think I did it out of habit and shyness. Shyness is not an easy barrier to break as ppl think it is. I gotta make up for it next time.
I hear ya! As a fellow single TO girl, I haven't the faintest clue where to meet boys. I'm really really dense, and bad at reading signs, so a shy smile my way totally gets lost in the haze of my own usual "happy-go-lucky" smile.
Note to boys out there... smiling just isn't good enough. "Hi" works much better.
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