yep Im messed up

Okay, its funny how Im in dire need of tonnes of advice but it just is trickling in. I feel like its a "oh um good luck with that" kinda thing and ppl just run away with their fingers in their ears. Or maybe ppl just are too nice to say it - that I'm an idiot or something, a bitch, a hypocrite? I duno - I can take it (I think). Or I guess no one wants to be responsible for my decisions haha.

Or maybe I know what the answer is and I just dont feel for it. Maybe I'm someone that, despite my life of always being so careful and doing the right thing - I gotta get some things/ and mistakes out of my system so I appreciate the right decision more and I will not ever be wondering of how it is do be alittle bad. At the risk of what? I duno. Maybe I do know but I just want to find out for sure.

I got this "monkey on my back" so to speak and its buggin me. Actually I have many. Im trying to sort it out. I could possibly be making the hugest (that even a word?) mistake. But with the battle of head and emotions - Ima just go with how I feel. Damn scorpio that I am! Yep - with the risk of losing a real good thing. And not gaining anything. And maybe losing more? But what is buggin me the most is the nice guy is most likely definately on page 5 and I'm just reading the prologue. That has to stop. Its not fair to him.

Ok Im going to go back to work and not think about it.
Maybe it will go away on its own and I am over thinking for nothing.
Maybe I will change my mind in an hour or two.....