"Who cares what they think?!"
Whats been on my mind lately?
Ah the never ending question of all singletons....
What? ... is it me? or is it them? is it me is it them? me? them? ARRRAAAGH?!
Well I think for the most part I am mostly to blame for not being my true self in certain situations or preventing myself from being who I want to be or doing what I want to do - I have to get over the burdon of worrying what others would think of me. Being the observer with many opinions for too long that I should just get over myself and stop being so self concious......
In reading some other blogs from singles it seems this is a common theme. The suggestions : this approach or that approach or this method that works and this method that doesnt, the whole PUA thing etc, smile this way, show only six teeth (?!), Laugh like "hehe" not "ha ha", do this do that, say this, say that..... Arrraagh! It shouldnt be so complicated. It sounds like a cliche and so easy to do but "just being yourself" is not always easy as it sounds....
posted by ~Moi~ @ 2:01 AM
11 Comments:
To quote Shakespeare, "The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves" At least I've found in my case, that things didn't change until I changed the way I approach things. There's that saying that insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. Most of what was holding me back was fear... of what other people would think, just like you. My breakthrough came with a book called "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway." And look what happened! I became the Dummy that I am! :)
I don't know how much I can offer here, but for me "being myself" is a natural thing. I don't feel as if I have anything to hide from the people with whom I chose to communicate, especially if it's a woman that I'm dating. I want her to know, up front, just who - and what - she's getting herself involved with. Take me as I am or send me on my merry way. But understand that I'm not going to pretend to be someone or something I'm not. And I don't put on a show for anyone. Except that I will shower, shave and use some cologne.
This was a difficult lesson to learn through the failure of my marriage. I spent too much time trying to hide certain aspects of myself from my EX because I thought that was what it meant to "compromise" in a marriage. But I ended up losing some very large and important parts of myself to those "compromises". Now, I have come to the conclusion that "compromise" means something far less drastic. And that I don't have to change anything about who I am to make such compromises with someone who is being real with me.
It's been very liberating to be so open with those around me. It also makes getting past all of "the baggage" a bit easier. I knew that getting back into dating after 18+ years of marriage, two kids, and no idea of how the dating scene has changed in almost two decades, was not going to be easy. "The baggage" only makes things that much more difficult. But if you can be honest about yourself, you'll find "the baggage" just sorta slips into the background of your life. It becomes less of a burden and more like just another aspect of your life that needs to be managed. Of course, the hard part is finding someone who is just as open and honest...
Mr. Underhill: If I read you right you are saying the older ppl get the less options they have? hummm how does that brighten my day? hehe thanks for trying. I think :p
DD: thanks! I think I heard of that book before somewhere, I'll look out for it - despite the fact I have so many half read books :p but that will definately go on my reading list!
M+: I know what you mean - show ppl who you are upfront, really who needs to waste eachother's time? right?
I agree, dont compromise who you are, compromise on things that are not as important, but dont give up the essence of your whole self for the other. There should be a balance.
BUT I didnt mean that I "try to be something I am not" but I meant being myself in the sense that I need to come out of my shell since I am pretty shy, I hold back, worrying what others think.
Use distractions to get someone's attention, but keep their attention focused on the distraction. Humor is one way. Make someone laugh and they'll feel comfortable around you, then you can begin to open up at your own pace.
I use several methods of distraction to get people to relax enough around me. I also do, or say, things for the purpose of stirring up their thoughts on various topics. It's a method of "hiding in plain sight". Get their attention on something about you, but not necessarily on you. You can still have the comfort of your shyness without losing their interest.
It's a talent that I had to develope because of the fact that I don't consider myself to be very attractive (plain - at best, is how I've always described myself). I get people to see my personality before they take a really good look at me. It works pretty well for me, too.
Yeah, in the end you're exactly right, I think: it's totally not about "do this" or "do that". What works for one person could be weird as all heck for another. While my expertise in such affairs is questionable, I'd say just keep trying things until you find something that is natural & works. Practice makes perfect! :)
-Tats
Ah yes. The age old "me or him" question.
The world may never know.
M+: You sound kinda harsh on yourself there in your comment. I get what you are saying, and I think that when it comes down to conversing with others and letting out your real self it is not so much looks that matters as it does personality in the end.
Tats: Yes - I agree! practice makes perfect.... grrrr I have definately not been practicing enough!!
Sandra Dee: Ya maybe it is not a question that needs to be asked if it works it works I guess.......
Have you noticed that I'm hiding my face behind a turkey drumstick in my profile pic? ...
You're probably right about me being too harsh on myself. As I've mentioned at my own blog, I've been told that I get better looking as you get to know me. And I'm OK with that. Besides, there's at least one lady out there that finds me to be very attractive.
And while every woman will say that looks don't matter, there has to be some sort of physical attraction to get things started. How else does one make the decision to get to know someone unless there's some initial attraction. Personality matters more, but you'll never know that about someone unless you like what they look like first. Right?
First off, always remember this mantra:
"It's NOT ME, It's YOU!"
hehehe.... :)
And I'm loving that Nelly Furtado/Timbaland song!!! Promiscuous is on my iPod NONSTOP! :)
BTW, what's up with my guy quoting Shakespeare up there?!!! He's shocking me! :)
Mo: ya you're right its always them hehe I was trying to be politically correct ;) and yeah I have no idea why your guy is quoting shakespeare but it sounds like good advice!... but wait, its the total opposite from yours?! ;)
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